John Gaccione

08/01/2020

Subject: KPPCSD Board Election

From: The Executive Steering Committee 

Once again it is election season for the KPPCSD Board in our fair Kensington. 

The campaign gurus up at Headquarters have been busy developing criteria for the upcoming board candidates. Two seats will be open on the board giving the faithful an opportunity to re-establish our rightful sovereign majority. 

It is imperative to field candidates who are in lockstep and support our lone asset on the board. A big win would protect our sovereign village and more importantly, keep our independent local self-governed KPD.

With Kensington at risk, Headquarters has devised three candidate profile templates that promise to be bankable winners. Briefly stated they are;

Professional: A candidate for voters seeking a highly educated person with good seminar-speak skills. Someone from the medical or mental health fields could be a good fit. Requires a passing acquaintance of district issues with greater emphasis on presentation skills and appearing reasonable.

Experience: A candidate who is an old hand at district politics. An individual who could draw on insider knowledge of how the district really works. Extra points for someone who has served as a past director. Familiarity with successful litigation would be preferable. 

Creative: A candidate who appeals to the artsy, creative, theatrical folks. A person versed in scripted performances, performing arts and has the ability to appear sincere and heartfelt. Someone adept at creative writing unencumbered by facts. 

Needless to say all candidates must be ardent supporters of our independent local self-governing KPD and view “contracting out” in any form as the work of the devil. Can I get an amen? 

As we know, a small vocal minority is responsible for far too many radical changes to the KPPCSD. If this so-called progress continues we may no longer be able to recognize our own hillside sovereign village! (Gasp!)

“Change is inevitable…except from vending machines.” (Steven Wright) 

Note: Satire may be present, consult your spiritual advisor before proceeding.