John Gaccione

Date: 10/18/2020

Subject: Candidate Lite 

From: Headquarters

The faithful needed someone to run alongside our more well-known candidate for the KPPCSD board. Faced with the problem of a very small pool of prospective candidates, our campaign gurus determined running a candidate with virtually no recent local experience could prove to be the winning ticket.

Luckily a person was found to have the right lack of history. It may have required some industrial strength convincing, but the person agreed to run for a position on the board. Once the faithful secured a candidate our gurus set about enhancing her bona fides.

Although the candidate grew up in Kensington and attended elementary school here and college in SF, she has lived out of state for many years. In 2015 she moved back to Kensington. Our gurus turned her absence into a plus by having her claim returning gave her the opportunity to view Kensington with fresh eyes. Epiphany alert!

But how does her lack of governance experience get transformed into a positive? By citing her mother was a realtor and her own involvement with property management. Back that up with a stint serving on a board advocating for property owner’s rights. That surely should play well in real estate obsessed Kensington, no?

To protect our inexperienced candidate from exposure to potentially embarrassing questions our gurus want to present her to only sympatric audiences. The recent KPOA/KIC candidate’s virtual forum was potentially problematic for her. The campaign needed to come up with an excuse why she did not attend. How about something simple like, she had a prior engagement? 

Safety, fear and money are always good hot button issues in an election year. When a candidate has no real positions derived from experience, introduce questions about safety, fear and money into the conversation. These subjects never fail to sound important even though the candidate offers no in-depth understanding of these issues.

Finally, our lone asset on the board is in need of a comrade. For heaven sake, he cannot be expected to shoulder the burden of preaching our brand of faithful politics all by himself. He is in desperate need of an ally and our stealthy candidate lite could be his salvation.                          

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.” (Will Rogers)

Caution: Unrepentant attempts at irony, sarcasm and caustic wit ahead, consult your pastor.